Body
Around the age of six, I was fondled under the table during Sunday School by the teacher while his wife would pray or teach the lesson. I eventually told my parents he touched my knee one time to avoid the whole truth. They immediately pulled me from the class, but that one life event was the beginning of a long battle with not feeling safe in my body. For 20 years I never told anyone the whole story.
My nervous system was so wrecked by the violation that it blocked any desire I had to care for myself. As long as I thought I looked good, it didn’t matter how I felt. My attitude was “Live life and hope to die young.” This was survival mode, and once I learned how to stop existing there, I found the desire to care for my body and improve my health.
Mind
In my teenage years, I frequently reflected on one of the most well-known scriptures.
“And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will.”
Romans 12:2
There was only one problem. I didn’t actually know how to renew my mind. I knew how to say and do the right things, at least most of the time, but in reality my mind was very sick. Any time my mask would crack under pressure, those closest to me would be shocked to learn my true feelings. If they were not validated, I would retreat, repair the crack with shame and add another layer to my internal walls.
Heart
Second grade. That’s when I started looking for my husband. Seriously. The search for love and acceptance overshadowed everything I said or did. Relationships gave me purpose, but my lack of self-love derailed them all in one way or another. Insecurity sabotaged many connections in my life over the years.
Even though I came from a loving family, I didn’t learn how to regulate my feelings and emotions well into adulthood. That lack of knowledge laid the foundation for extreme codependency and all-consuming levels of people-pleasing.
Spirit
I was seven years old when I talked to Jesus for the first time and asked him to “come into my heart.” Even though I didn’t fully understand, my eyes were opened to the supernatural realm as I physically experienced the Spirit of God enter my body. It was an encounter I’ve never doubted to be real, but it also sounded crazy to speak of out loud. So I tried to keep the hard to digest things under the radar.
Whenever I felt safe to share without the fear of judgment or being accused of making things up, I would open up to anyone who asked to know more. I existed in that energy for over 30 years until I was forced to be still for a season. That’s when the vision of this website took root, and I’m not afraid to share the whole story anymore.
