Peacekeeper to Peacemaker
It was the end of another long day. The summer evening breeze filled my car as I eased along the downtown street of Landrum, SC. My farm was only a couple miles away, and though I was exhausted, I didn’t want to pull in the driveway. Home was not a restful place, especially since I’d decided to break up with alcohol.
For two months I had been following the podcast of a woman who spoke to wives of alcoholics and in that time, it became clear that my husband’s own struggle was no excuse to ignore my own. My confession to seek help and stop drinking to cope was not well received.
What once was a party every night filled with hours of television or blaring music all while drinking the time away turned into a tense battle of me fighting the urge to quit quitting. I felt trapped and heavy with guilt for disrupting the flow of our lives that had become a daily routine for four years.
Each evening on my drive home, I would listen to an episode of the podcast to prepare myself for the coming night. Even though I was doing the work, the weight of reality terrified me. I knew the steps I was taking were wise, but I also felt completely lost—until I heard these next words.
“If you’re on this journey and don’t know where to turn, here is your compass. Seek peace, then pursue it.”
Everything became clear. I had spent my entire life being a keeper of the peace, but in that process, I would sacrifice my own. That’s the difference between a peacekeeper and a peacemaker.
A peacekeeper is reactive while a peacemaker is proactive. I had become a master chameleon driven by codependency and an overwhelming fear of conflict. On occasion I would snap under the pressure, but I was always quick to regroup, take the blame, and continue on. This way of existing eventually stole any desire to live. I wasn’t suicidal, but I also hoped to die young due to some sort of accident or terminal illness.
The quote from that podcast came from Psalm 34. I recognized the words when I heard them and was even more comforted when I read the entire passage. Not only was there the instruction in verse 14 calling me to “turn away from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it,” but there were many other promises.
“I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them. The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:4-7, 18
I began my journey as a seeker of peace that day. The patterns of keeping peace have been very deeply ingrained in me, and some days I fall back into my former ways of thinking. Old habits die hard especially when you’ve believed them to be your only way to survive.
Just know it gets easier with practice. My greatest fears have already come and gone, and I’m still here.